


fulfilling life-changing events

by bonehandledknife (ladywinter)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, DC Cinematic Universe, DCU, DCU (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, Fluff, Hijinks, Image Heavy, Implied Daddy Kink, M/M, NSFW, Social Media, batcow - Freeform, pre alot of things really just assume most batfam haven't actually mostly sorta formed yet, pre-nightwing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 16:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13127262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywinter/pseuds/bonehandledknife
Summary: Vorfreude(German; noun) is defined as the intense euphoric sensation you experience from thinking about future pleasures and joyful anticipations, such as playing a prank, going on a date, getting married, punching someone in the face, and many other fulfilling, life-changing events.Secret Santa Prompt from queen---queer:1. The batkids fooling around social media and putting clickbaits out there about superbat2. BvS superbat alternate meeting...which I subsequently boiled down to ‘batfam’s hijinks on social media caused a BvS superbat alternate meeting’.Also manages to be NSFW despite being non-explict. Warning: Image-heavy





	fulfilling life-changing events

**Author's Note:**

  * For [obsessivelyintrigued](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelyintrigued/gifts).



> Most of the images aren’t absolutely necessary to the story, thoough they add to it and give context, but there’s a set of tweets that I’ve copied from a Buzzfeed article. The relevant text is transcribed in the end notes.
> 
>  **If you need continuity, jump to end notes.** Otherwise HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS, it’s a wild ride but all will be explained.
> 
> Many thanks to [Ragdoll](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Keshka/pseuds/Ragdoll), [BatShitCrazy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BatShitCrazy/pseuds/BatShitCrazy) and [moonbelowsea](http://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbelowsea/works?fandom_id=1001939) for betas and handholding. Also much love to manmanbangbang discord for all the support and sprints and hilarious discussions about the state of social media in the dcu. This one's also for you. <3
> 
> Don’t click links you don’t mean to click. ;D

 

[Video: One long chain of inscrutable motion blurs, shot at night, set to [Heart of Courage](https://youtu.be/eYj8ciqAPcA?t=27s).]

 **BabeG**  
Nov 12, 2013

 

‘Batman, lol’

 

54.3K Likes          3,535 Revines            4.7M Loops

  

* * *

 

June 23, 2014

 

“So, when are you going to transfer out of Metropolis, Dick?”

“Never. Don’t see why I should.”

The teenager stares him down over his desk but Dick is unmoved. He’d experienced better glares at a higher rate  over the course of his years. A good effort for the kid's age, though.

Dick goes back to filling out after-action reports; the Metropolis PD seem such sticklers for them but at least it’s all digital.

“We both know why you should,” the kid says.

“You know less than Jon Snow.”

“Gotham _needs you!”_

“I know where I’m not _wanted.”_ Dick finishes another form and hits submit. “Unlike some people.”

“Look, he’s been different since,” an almost unnoticeable pause, one that implies a certain grave, “since December.”

“Black Zero fucked up _alotta_ people,” Dick scratches his chin, determinedly oblivious, playing into the polite popular fiction that this boy’s parents had disappeared into the country to ‘go on bedrest’ after Black Zero. Current theories on the Drakes run the gamut from permanent disfigurement to vegetative coma. “You gotta be more specific. Who is this ‘he’ you’re referring to?”

“Your _dad,_ you dick,” the teenager hisses. The boy seems very invested in convincing him and less angry at the reference to his parents than any practically-an-orphan should be. His parents were probably fine; Dick had seen them all before at some of the parties Bruce brought him to.

 _Tim Drake,_ he thinks. The kid’s not even supposed to _be_ here, but that’s what you get when you donate crazy amounts to the force in your parent’s name. And speaking of rich assholes—

“Not so much, since he threw me out.” Dick keeps his voice casual, “‘sides, he’s a grown man, got a whole team to help him run his company. Fix up his tower.”

“I’m not talking about the _company._ He doesn’t have a team when h—!”

“Then whatever~ can you be referring to, Here?” Dick interrupts. _The kid better not out Bruce in a police station, fucking Christ._ He’s not going to admit to anything, especially _on the job,_ but he’s not going to suffer some snotnose getting Bruce into danger either. And if Tim is smart enough to track him down then he’s smart enough to know this.

“Ok, yeah. Point.” Tim visibly counts to ten, “There were a lot of deaths that month. A lot that Mr. Wayne feels _personally_ responsible for. I don’t know what went down with you two but it’s making Gotham turn dark.”

“Gotham’s already dark, kid. Especially at night.”

Tim groaned at the horrible joke. “Can you just talk to him? _Something?_ He’s swinging by Metropolis more due to the reconstruction. I’m sure you can work together again!”

“Well as a _police officer…”_ Dick hums, “I guess I can bail Bruce out of the drunk tank.”

“You know what I’m—” Tim cuts himself off with an aggravated noise. “Can you just _try?”_

“Sure thing, Snow.” _Not._ Bruce needs his space. And frankly Dick didn’t want to deal with him; he wondered if Bruce had let him stay on, if they could have eased Jason’s transition more. If Dick could have remained as Robin for a bit until Jason got his legs under himself and then phase him in. _What if Jason just had a little more training?_ A little more time to settle into the role and be less desperate about it, maybe a little less angry overall.

What if Dick had been more supportive at that time, been a true mentor? Would Jason still be alive?

Dick ignores Tim as he leaves. It’s better this way.

 _What must Bruce think of him?_ Dick’s not sure he wants to know. He’s been patrolling this side of the bay for a year or so now but it still feels lackadaisical. He doesn’t really mesh with the rhythms of the city and he doesn’t even have a costume yet. He doesn’t have a theme, and can’t figure out what symbol he wants to be. Can’t figure out what the city needs.

But at least Metropolis already has a symbol _,_ now, after Black Zero.

Superman.

 _It must be nice,_ Dick thinks, _not to need a day job._

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

 January 2014

 

Dick watches in awe as Superman skims through the air, settling in front of him with the last two children from the school bus, caught in the multi-car pileup. Firefighters directed the hero towards a car near the center of the wreckage that they were having trouble prying open. Superman zipped over to help, returning immediately with the man who’d been caught inside. Paramedics rush forward to take the guy off his hands.

Dick shakes his head, “I’m so glad we have you here, Superman. In fact,” he narrows his eyes, “I’m surprised nothing exploded.”

Frankly, there were enough vehicles involved that there must have been one full tank among them. He’s in fact vaguely certain that once they go digging through the wreckage, they’d probably find several leaks sealed off with inhuman strength.

There’s a sort of tightness around Superman’s eyes. Then he looks down and to his left, before looking back. “I guess we’re just lucky then.”

 _Huh._ Dick thinks on what he knows about gazes and prevarication, on mental processing and ocular movement. If Superman’s brain is formed at all like a human brain, then he’s using the part that works through dialogue, down and to the left. Why did Superman find it best not to take credit for his actions?

How come he didn’t have enough experience with procedure to know that clear debriefs would help with future situations? Especially if foul play was involved?

“Maybe it’s just the Gotham in me,” Dick laughed at himself wryly. “Keep expecting everything to go bad, maybe somebody setting this all up on purpose.”

“What would you look for, if someone’s setting this up?” Superman asks easily. “How do you tell?”

Dick blinks. Well that’s very… Different, than what he’s used to, from a dude in a cape. Asking for help, that is.

A phone is shoved between them, an asian girl follows it, flipping through an array of images that’d popped up on google search: various colored powders, clays, wirings.

“These,” she says shortly, insistently.

“Cassandra,” Dick groans, but glances at the phone too and. Well. She’s not wrong. He says that out-loud and the adds in common variants and smells associated with them.

Superman just nods and looks over the wreck.

Doesn’t move.

“Uh?” Dick had been expecting him to go over and check.

There’s an otherworldly smile, “You’re clear, I scanned everything from here.”

“But isn’t it all like—” Dick laces his fingers together and twists them around.

Superman visibly thinks about it, and nods, “You probably want to go over it to see for yourselves. Document it. But none of the vehicles are contaminated. Nothing in them look out of place.”

“Thanks,” Dick blinks again, “You’re being quite helpful.”

Cassandra mouths a _thank you_ as well.

Superman looks towards her a question.

She shrugs. Looks down. “Hard,” she says, the sound a struggle.

Superman’s face clears up and he nods, “Words are, sometimes.”

She beams up at him.

“Oh, um, this is Cassandra!” Dick introduces them hastily, “She was found wandering around Wayne Tower during Black Zero, helping them dig... to dig—” he gestures to try to push the words out of his mouth, that day, the craziness of it, the building falling and knowing that there was a daycare in it. And it was the first time that he’d seen Bruce since The Funeral earlier that same hellmonth and then they were recovering 8 _more_ small bodies to bury— “She… we still don’t know much besides her first name. She didn’t speak for several weeks and we can’t figure out what she remembers. We think she was hit in the head sometime during the event; her brain scans came out weird.”

There’s a deep grief that twists up Superman’s face. And then concern.

“The police department is taking care of her?”

“Ah, no, actually,” Dick kicks himself for falling into his old patterns of thinking. Of course Bruce and him weren’t a ‘we’ anymore. “She’s being taking care of by Wayne Enterprises. They’re covering all her bills but, uh, I’m watching her for the day.”

Superman raises an eyebrow. “She’s allowed on site?”

Dick shrugs the awkward shrug of, _It’s complicated._ (translation: the asshole who raised me is loaded and donates a lot to MetroPD, but the department is not that corrupt, honestly, this isn’t Gotham and actually nobody realizes she’s here instead of back at the station, trust me, because she has mad ninja skills, somehow, which me and a Bat are looking into, separately, because he’s being _an asshole._ yeah, the same one that raised me, how about that?) So, hoping that Superman would assume it’s another officer, he says, “The guy she normally follows around is a bit busy.”

There’s polite confusion on Superman’s face until Cassandra sticks her phone between them again.

Dick barely catches sight of the screen.

It’s some BuzzFeed article.

 

* * *

  


###  **17 Reasons Bruce Wayne Is A Straight Up Boss**

Why Gotham City loves him and so should you.

 

* * *

 

December 2013

 

As Bruce helped coordinate relief efforts during Black Zero Day, he discovered he’d at some point acquired a shadow. It didn’t ping his danger sense, so he took his time turning around to take a look.

It was a teenager, asian but mixed. Her face didn’t have any of the standard features; she did not look of Chinese descent nor Japanese nor Korean, neither did she have any Indonesian nor Pacific Islander leanings nor any of the smaller demographics. Rather she looked a little like the most classic features of all of them. It was in fact an indeterminate sort of asian that gave Bruce chills.

Because you don’t get those sort of precise upperclass genetic lines from a port city. Too much influx, random traits, accidental bastards.

Instead, you get those kind of features when your ancestors were hand-picked from the best that every country had to offer.

Or when the best of the world travel to you, for training. To be an assassin.

Bruce started walking, and watched her follow. He didn’t verbalize a wish that she do so, as he pushed his shirt sleeves up and starting clearing wreckage. Nor did he verbalize further instructions to her as they went along. She still picked up his intentions. She was well balanced on her feet. When he turned towards her she stepped back until she was just the slightest bit out of his reach.

“You’ve been trained by them too,” he murmured. Looking deeper, “Raised there.”

She nodded.

“You can speak English?” he looked to her, but she shook her head. “You can understand English though?”

She blinked at him blankly. Tilted her head from side to side.

“You understand me, but not necessarily English? What language then?”

She shrugs a shoulder, opens her hand in a wave as if saying, _Ta da!_

“Body language?”

Her mouth lifted up in a half-smile.

“Hmph. What do you want.”

It became a full smile, hopeful. Bruce took a good long moment to think over all that he knows of the League of Assassins and what he knows and can extrapolate from her skillset. Took in her age. It's somewhat dire. She must have been on the run for awhile, never staying in one place long enough for them to catch her, or for her to properly learn a language.

“I’m not going to save you.”

Her smile got a little bigger.

“No.”

She shrugged.

“No, I’m really not.”

She shrugged again.”

Bruce sighed. “You’re going to regret this. You don’t even know me.”

She _laughed_ in his _face._

 

* * *

   


[Video: Smash cuts of Bruce Wayne walking— through cubicles, on red carpets, through photographers, through a gala, out a door into pitch black. Set to [Royals](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlcIKh6sBtc).]

 **SilentObserver**  
March 2, 2014

 

‘That kind of lux just ain't for us  
We crave a different kind of buzz’

 

144.4K Likes          6,965 Revines           47.5M Loops

 

* * *

 

October 3, 2015

 

Batman is getting worse, month by month. The brands are… not just bad, they’re _really_ bad. Tim had _thought_ it was bad, when Robin first disappeared, but this is just a increasing level of terrifying badness and he knows that while even duct tape has a light side and a dark side, this is less duct tape than _Anakin and the Sith._

Dick is still being a Dick and sticking his head in the sand while Gotham was going to shit, and even decent people are starting to be afraid when the bat lights up the sky.

And _then_ all his alerts waves red flags because there’s this fucking muckraker mucking up shit like it ain’t literally going to blow up in his face like some fertilizer bomb.

At least _this_ Tim could deal with on his own.

Tim shows up at Clark Kent’s desk.

“Ok so what’s your deal, really?”

“Huh?” A bespeckled face peers up at him.

“Can you just, _not?”_ he waves his arms, “You have a perfectly good Superman supering himself up in Metropolis on its bad days. On good days, when he’s bored, he’s supering up the world.”

“That’s not—”

“Do you REALLY have to stick your nose into Gotham’s business? Really. He’s a good man.”

“Look, kid—”

“Not only am I sick of people calling me that, but honestly. Look at your life. Look at your _choices.”_

That gigantic forehead furrows at him like a large confused bovine.

 _“Plaid?_ Come _on._ ”

“How did you even get in here?” The reporter looks around, “You can’t just— Where’s — Perry? Hey Perry!”

Tim decides to make himself scarce, but not before leaving a folder of 'saved by a bat' personal testimonies and a post-it on the dork’s monitor.

_I MEAN IT. Check Twitter, Superman is bigger news._

 

* * *

 

**Worldwide trending:**

#Superman

#Istandwithsuperman

#IndonesiaQuake2015

#falsegod

#BruceWayneGQnudes

 

* * *

 

December 18, 2014

 

“So ok, not that I don’t appreciate you coming by to chat with _me_ in particular, because I really do,” Dick has somehow found himself as the department liason to Superman (translation: being highkey _paid_ to lowkey fanboy), “But you gotta be sick of hearing me ramble on by now. Don’t you want to touch base with the other guys?”

Most times Dick comes away from the experience wanting to smack himself in the head for being so enthusiastic. Except he can’t get over _how cool_ his day was. He has random chats with _Superman._

Superman gives the impression that if he was a normal human being he would have shrugged.

“They’re very... helpful,” he says finally, with a tight sort of look.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Not if I’m trying to find out where I’m needed,” the alien says gently.

And that throws Dick for a loop. “Wait, so are you saying you like to talk to me because I _complain_ to you and actually _ask_ you for help?”

“People don’t often like to ask, surprisingly.” Superman says.

Dick barks out a laugh, “Geeze, ain’t that the truth. Good thing you’ve never met my dad. He could be bleeding from three places before he’d say a word.” He's not even sure when the last time they spoke was. It suddenly makes him blazingly _angry,_ “He could be basically _dying_ and you wouldn’t even be the top ten to know.”

Superman gets a bit of a thousand yard stare and nods, “Wouldn’t even let you help, even if it’s the easiest thing in the world.”

“What,” Dick startles, “Yours too?”

Superman clears his throat awkwardly. His smile sits falsely on his face.

“Oh. um.”

“It was a long time ago,” he says, “And. And I knew he loved me, and that’s why he wouldn’t let me help.”

Dick is kind of confounded that he’s learning this. Honored but. He’d never expected to be the one to bear witness.

“Talk to your dad,” Superman says, “Before you don’t get the chance.”

“It’s a bit of a mess— _he’s_ a bit of a mess.” Dick laughs again, “I mean he’s— I still look up to him, he’s incredible but. He casts a bit of a shadow, I guess,” he snickers, scratches at his head, “Part of it is my getting out from under it. Or getting _kicked_ out from under it.”

Superman’s silent for a moment.

Dick looks away.

“There’s a Kryptonian myth about a man who was kicked out by his family.”

“Oh?”

“They thought he couldn’t do much, be much, when all he wanted was to help people. He just wanted to help those who couldn’t fight for themselves.”

“Did he succeed? Did he ever prove his family wrong?”

“Does it matter?”

Dick thought about it, then shook his head.

Superman continued only after he did so, smiling, “He became legend, a hero by the name of Nightwing.”

Dick laughs, “‘Nightwing.’ That’s some sort of beautiful irony, right there. Bruce would choke.”

“Bruce?”

“Ah, yeah,” and this is where it usually gets awkward, “Bruce Wayne, my dad?”

The alien gets a blank expression, “I’ll have to look him up.”

Oh, of course, how would Superman even know him?

 

* * *

 

▼Relationships

  * Batman/Bruce Wayne (3254)
  * Bruce Wayne/Gotham (anthropomorphic) (1897)
  * Bruce Wayne/Female OC (1596)
  * Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle (856)
  * Bruce Wayne/Female Vampire OC (850)
  * Bruce Wayne/Male OC (757)
  * Bruce Wayne/Threesome OC (557)
  * Bruce Wayne/Vicky Vale (555)
  * Bruce Wayne/Dick Grayson (394)
  * Bruce Wayne/Oliver Queen (268)
  * Bruce Wayne/Lex Luthor (68)
  * Bruce Wayne/Al Gore (55)
  * Bruce Wayne/Sobriety (35)



▼Additional Tags

  * Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism (1917)
  * Hurt/Comfort (1073)
  * Romance (876)



  

* * *

 

January 2, 2015

 

“Hey, Bruce, it’s me, um, Dick.” _Stay firm, you made a_ resolution. _Just try at least so you can look big blue in the eye._

“What do you need.”

“What? No, I’m just calling. I wanted to— I mean it’s been awhile, right?”

“Is everything alright?”

“It’s been ok. Work has been great. Oh hey, did you know I tend to work with Superman a lot? They made me his liaison, isn’t that wild?”

“Hmph.”

“Bruce?”

“It’s good to hear your job has been going well,” the tiniest of pauses, “stay safe.”

“Don’t you have thoughts on Superman? At all? Come on, you gotta.”

“Bruce Wayne has made his statements to the press.”

“We both know whatever ‘Bruce Wayne’ says is part of some larger plan that may or may not have anything to do with whatever you’re thinking. Hey, look, maybe this will be easier face-to-face.”

“Things are busy right now.”

“Things are always busy. I can skip the pleasantries and just drop in the cave, say hi to Alfred and the car.”

“We’re in the middle of an investigation.”

“...”

“...”

“...is that code for, ‘and you’re not invited?’ It’s been over a year since Ja— What, I can’t even come by for a chat? Drop off some take-out? _Am I even allowed to see Alfred?”_

“...stay safe, Dick.”

“Oh my god, I don’t believe this.”

“Dick...”

_“Fuck you too.”_

_*click*_

 

* * *

  
 

* * *

 

“How do you keep on doing this?”

Superman turns to him with a questioning look.

“Helping, I mean,” Dick says, “Without burning out. Constantly reaching out to help, even though you get _nothing_ from it. Even though people hate you for it. Sometimes.”

 

* * *

 

**SUPERMAN talking about hope and kindness, finding it, keeping it**

[Video: Superman in front of a group of first responders, an impromptu speech near the back of an open EMT van.]

  
**LukeFox**

Published on January 5, 2015

 

Shit like this is why I enlisted. But I lost the 'why' out there, had to come home. Still trying to find myself, but this helps. Helps alot. So I had to share it. Hope it helps someone else.

 [SHOW MORE]

* * *

 

 

> Transcript: ...helping is not about getting anything.
> 
> This symbol on my chest is one of the few things I have left from my homeworld. It’s a symbol of my house, my family name, it means ‘Hope.’ See how it curves? Like a stream, a river. It keeps flowing, it starts small and it meets up with the sea. It’s _connection._ And that’s why we’re all here, isn’t it? Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
> 
> We’re here to help others. That is my connection to you, to this world. It’s easy to think that helping requires strength. You are not wrong.
> 
> But hope is not weak, kindness is not weak, compassion is not weak. Because it makes you effective.
> 
> And it will make you bleed.
> 
> It’s hard and it _hurts,_ because hope and kindness and compassion doesn’t mean that everything is fine or that you can’t see what’s wrong. In fact it only opens your eyes to more hurts and more injustices in the world.
> 
> I have a friend who’d opened up to me about his hurts, and I’d thought him incredibly brave. Haven’t we all had a connection like that? When they were brave enough to start a conversation you didn’t have the courage to? And watching that bravery gave you courage in return…
> 
> _You_ give me courage. [gesturing at the crowd] My homeworld was destroyed, but Hope was not. I’m connected to here. My home is here.
> 
> I look around me, and see everyday kindnesses, and compassion. The best of humanity. I see people like you, every day, fighting for this; how could I not stand with you? How could I not help?
> 
> So when I start to lose hope, I just look around me. Really _look._
> 
> And I find it. I can always find it.
> 
> Because humanity is incredible.
> 
> _You_ are incredible.

 

* * *

 

March 21, 2015

“Bruce.”

He glances at the phone. He’d given it to Cassandra the day that they met, showed her how to use it in his spare moments when he was waiting for someone at the office.

Bruce frowns however, catching sight of the title of the youtube video and the face on the preview. “Maybe later, I have a meeting.”

Cassandra frowns, but let’s it go.

 

May 11, 2015

“I’m really not interested in watching propaganda.”

 

June 3, 2015

“Quarterly reviews are all this month. I’m actually late for one right now.”

 

July 16, 2015

“I don’t think so, we’re nothing alike.”

 

August 20, 2015

He strides right past her to the offices they’re renting until the new tower goes up.

 

September 1, 2015

“Bruce.”

Cassandra pushes the phone in his face. He avoids it with a neat sidestep, she matches, he sidesteps more, and continues until Cassandra is stuck between causing him physical harm or letting him through.

_Fine then._

She lets him through. Then she grabs three secretaries, her speech therapist, Alfred, and Lucius Fox’s personal assistant. She makes them schedule out some “Very Important Meetings,” with various fake names, in windowless rooms with a projector.

 

October 4, 2015

He finally attends one of them. She got help barricading the doors. She’s guarding the ceiling tiles.

She makes sure to loop the video at least three times, until Bruce’s shoulders go loose and confused, before she lets him escape.

“Mr. Wayne has been better since he’s adopted you,” Fox’s PA remarks later that day. “It’s too bad he’d had such a bad falling out with Dick; it’d been pretty tense before you came in the picture.”

She hums in agreement.

 

* * *

 

###  **13 Things You Probably Don't Know About The Batman** **  
**

Things that go Bump in the Knight.

 

* * *

 

October 8, 2015

 

“I can’t believe you’re STILL trying to tell me Batman doesn’t exist!” Tim shouts.

It's honestly very heartwarming that Tim has kept after him like this. Dick appreciates a good stubborn streak and Tim has been getting better about where to have these conversations. This is probably proportional to his detective skills getting good enough to track down where Dick actually lived.

And maybe Dick should have done better about covering up his tracks but he'd looked into the teenager's parents after the first week of being hounded, and they both actually _were_ in a comatose state due to the Black Zero Event. It must have took a lot of paperwork and fast talking for Tim to hide that fact and keep his independence.

Dick's not quite sure how he'd managed it. It made him feel terrible about what he'd said in specific to Tim that first day and about Tim's situation in general; Superman would be disappointed in him. So he may or may not be putting up with the kid more than he would ordinarily, for months now. (translation: several fiscal quarters.)

(translation with bruce filter _off:_ over a year)

“What of course he doesn’t—”

Tim throws the 50 page Powerpoint at his face. 

Dick dodges it easily, but the kid's aim is getting better, “Those bulletpoints don’t prove anything.”

“The paper trail _alone—”_

“He’s like vampires.” Dick says. His chair is balancing on one leg. “People write about Interviewing Vampires all the time, you don’t see them actually existing.”

“That’s false equivalency.”

“Them’s SAT words.” Dick laughs, dodges Tim’s swing again, “So you’re saying you see more ‘shades of grey’.”

“That’s _terrible.”_

“I think you mean _awesome._ And I mean, what IS that site anyways?”

 

* * *

▼Relationships

  * Batman/Bruce Wayne (3254)
  * Batman/Gotham (anthropomorphic) (2147)
  * Batman/Vampire OC (668)
  * Batman/Joker (355)
  * Batman/Two-Face (235)
  * Batman/Happiness (135)
  * Batman/Matches Malone (3)



 

* * *

 

“You do realize I can see your internet history right? I _know_ you know what that site is. I _know_ you have an account. I _know_ what you’ve been writing and posting. You do it to feed the myth, right? Help him cover up his tracks?”

“That, Jon Snow, is a blatant violation of my privacy,” Dick protests. “But also I’m kind of impressed, I thought I used enough proxies.”

“I mean, the sheer number of Bruce Wayne/Batman fic cannot be accounted for by the size of his fandom.”

“Batman’s fandom?”

“No, come on, your playing dumb had gotten old _months ago,_ I mean _Bruce Wayne’s._ The statistics don’t play out for a real celebrity, the top pairings should have been OC’s. ”

“Gotham really loves him huh?”

“Not that he realizes it,” Tim snorts.

“You’d think he would, considering the amount of fic…”

Tim facepalms. “That’s my entire _point,_ he needs an _intervention.”_

Dick thinks about it very seriously for about a minute. And then considerably less seriously for about five.

Then he sits up and starts giggling as he starts typing.

Tim reads over his shoulder, and then backs away holding both hands up. “Oh god what are you— _Why_ are you doing this.”

“Spite.”

“He’s your _dad.”_

“If I’m gonna stage an intervention for him I’m gonna need to get some of this out of my system, ok, it’s not like I can _actually_ shake some sense into the guy. But _Superman_ might.” Dick snorts, “Besides, I’m being vague as shit and being all flowery and everything, it’s not like anyone takes it seriously.”

"But he hates Superman!"

"That's honestly the best part."

 

* * *

 

▼ Relationships

  * Batman/Superman (1)



 

* * *

 

October 8, 2015

 

“What the hell?” Bruce whispers in the cave, scowling harder.

His newsfeed for hits tagged ‘Superman’ needs to be better about false positives. He’d thought he blocked that site.

(He bets it’s that one writer that keeps posting about ‘oviposition’ and ‘eggpreg.’ ‘Alien probing’ seem up their alley. He knows better than to click on it.)

Also? Why ship that.

Is that a thing?

Where did it even come fr—

 

* * *

**Superman ‘Loves The Whole Of Humanity’**

Late Night with Sett Mayers

 _1 day ago_ _•_ _1,878,602 Views_

Sett takes a closer look at the implications of a recording of Superman’s statement, after he had been confronted by queer rights activists…

 

* * *

 

October 8, 2015

 

Clark blankly stares at the twitter war being waged over his sexuality and just shuts off his phone.

There’s fires going on in most of the United States’s Pacific Northwest.

Yeah. He should go take care of that.

 

* * *

 

**Worldwide trending:**

#Readingintothings

#Supermanisgay

#SupermanisPAN

#CaliforniaFires2015

#WashingtonFires2015

#OregonFires2015

#Supermanisflaming

#Justleavehimalone

 

* * *

 

List of things Bruce doesn’t admit he knows:

Bruce Wayne/Female Vampire OC (850) - It probably shouldn't be surprising that _Gotham_ city's favorite mythological creatures were vampires, and probably even less surprising that, rather than having _male_ vampire OC's, those fic apparently has mostly been sublimated into:

Bruce Wayne/Batman (3254) - the Bruce/Batman side of the fandom frequently have ship wars with the Batman/Bruce side of the fandom over who tops. Bruce saves Batman from a life of darkness and Batman saves Bruce from alcoholism. There is a lot of 'vampire' AU's and ‘sugar daddy’ AU’s; and a lot of Discourse over whether that’s actually considered AU or _canon_ or if Batman is independently wealthy (and/or a vampire). Some of the oldest fic in the tag were written by Bruce to throw people off his trail; he’ll never admit that the site is never fully blocked because he still gets comments. He’s sometimes tempted though when they ask him to finish his wip.

Bruce Wayne/Al Gore (55) - entirely blamed on the election of 2000 and how coherent and sober Bruce was, while trying to stump for the guy. In hindsight, a mistake.

Batman/Matches Malone (3) - Bruce has no idea who’s responsible for this.

Batman/Superman (1) - is actually a preslash character study about how similar they are.

 

 

 

> Interesting. But use spellcheck. And the fade-to-back is… singularly aggravating.
> 
> Also the Superman is clearly OOC.

 

* * *

 

About 260,000 results (0.39 seconds)

 

[**Superman Porn Videos | Pornbub.com** ](https://78.media.tumblr.com/8eaeb70db899c7813a9193e229bd36d4/tumblr_inline_p193grGkli1r0aa8d_400.png)

 

[ https://www.pornbub.com/video/search?search=superman](https://78.media.tumblr.com/8eaeb70db899c7813a9193e229bd36d4/tumblr_inline_p193grGkli1r0aa8d_400.png)

Watch Superman porn videos for free, here on Pornbub.com. Sort movies by Most Relevant and catch the best Superman movies now!

 

* * *

 

November 1, 2015

 

Somewhere in the clustered towers of the Narrows, the gang leader known as Red Hood twitches violently at his laptop.

Then starts snickering.  _Making porn with Superman lookalikes?_

“I guess I fucking shouldn’t be surprised what people get up to but— jesus fucking christ, doesn’t this count as blasphemous at this point?” 

Jason was about to tab out when the TV on the wall starts in on the news, playing a rerun of a video of Bruce Wayne denouncing Superman’s negligence in the wake of Black Zero.

He thinks for a bit, then bursts out laughing. “Oh god, he’s gonna _take my head off.”_ Which would give Jason a chance to retaliate. _Nice._

Even if the bastard didn’t even know where it came from. (Even if the asshole didn’t even care that he _died,_ that _motherfucker._ He’s going to _kill him,_ he swears to god.)

Jason makes a phone call as he starts setting up proxies. “Yo! Morgaine! How y’doing? Yeah? Cool cool. Look, I wanna to call in that favor. Yeah. Well I mean, your magic works with software right? Say, I want a little video attached with some easter eggs.”

He kicks back on the sofa and stares up at the ceiling.

“Oh, something that makes it play automatically at the worst possible time. And, I dunno, give it a little _personality._ Yup. Yeah. Yeah? Awesome!”

  

* * *

 

About 50,000 results (0.35 seconds)

  

[ **Batman V Superman Porn Videos | Pornbub.com** ](https://78.media.tumblr.com/14f49e87be62c817c736b55af8124ce2/tumblr_inline_p193gsWBrk1r0aa8d_400.png)

 

[ https://www.pornbub.com/video/search?search=batman+v+superman](https://78.media.tumblr.com/14f49e87be62c817c736b55af8124ce2/tumblr_inline_p193gsWBrk1r0aa8d_400.png)

Watch Batman V Superman porn videos for free, here on Pornbub.com. Sort movies by Most Relevant and catch the best Batman V Superman movies now!

 

* * *

 

November 1, 2015

 

Partway through Discussion #246 on the topic of “Fixing the Batman Problem Via the Power of Teamwork, Yes That Means You, Grayson”, over pizza, some of Tim’s background programs (meant to filter and intercept malicious software headed in the cave’s direction) begins sending up alarms.

He closes out of the Presentation that he’d been projecting onto Dick’s livingroom wall and starts troubleshooting. It looked like some bizarre new malware. Until it started playing.

On the projector.

[Spread out all over the wall.](https://78.media.tumblr.com/4d76ee362d8549e2f6fffa49bfe3243c/tumblr_inline_p1iar3M8og1r0aa8d_400.png)

At which point both Tim and Dick are screaming and trying to shut the video off.

Somehow. In any way possible.

“WHAT THE _ACTUAL_ FUCK.”

“I don’t know!” Tim wails, “My programs intercepted a file heading towards the cave servers!”

“Oh my god, if Bruce actually saw the thing—”

“I know right? I would DIE.”

“I mean I think Bruce might actually have a _serious_ hate-on for Superman for some strange reason, and the actor playing B isn’t even that hot—”

“Wait what.”

“What?”

“...”

“...you know Bruce has sex tapes floating around online right?”

“Uh.” Tim says.

“And he has like a ton of porn parodies made both as Bruce and as the Bat.”

“Well I mean…”

“And the guy playing Superman doesn’t even look like him!” Dick protests.

“Is this because you have a crush on the guy?”

 _What._ “I do n— It’s just professional admiration!”

“He looks like at least a 85% match.”

“Wanna bet on it?”

“Loser pays for my therapy,” Tim mutters, and yet there he goes, running facial recognition on Superman.

Better algorithms than even the police, if Dick isn’t mistaken. Seriously, he’s heavily contemplating whether to throw the kid at Bruce or to offer Tim a sidekick position himself, maybe have him touch base with Barbara, once he finds out whether his transfer to Bludhaven PD had gone through or been denied.

Damn bureaucracy. He’d been ready to debut his Nightwing persona for over half a year now, but didn’t want to be relied upon in Metropolis only to reappear in another city.

“Thing is, there’s tons of people who look like Superman, hell this one reporter—”

“I bet you $200 the actor doesn’t even come up in the first 10 hits.”

The screen populates.

“Hah! See it’s number 12!” Dick scrolls down slightly to point at the job description.

Tim is frozen, “Scroll up again. I thought I saw—”

_99.999% match: Clark Kent._

“Uh.”

“Uhhh.”

“That’s the reporter I'd talked to. Because he was looking stuff up on the Bat.”

“Do you think—”

 

The phone number in Kent’s file highlights.

 

“Uh, what are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything?”

 

The messaging app opens. The video is loaded.

 

“No seriously, what are you doing, this is not funny, it’s sending from _my number—”_

“My hands are literally _not on the keyboard_ what are you—”

 

The ‘SEND’ button highlights. The video pops into a new thread.

 

“CRAP. UNDO _UNDO—”_ Dick yells and yanks the plug, removes the battery from the laptop in a flash.

 _“OH MY GOD_ THAT DOESN’T _UNDO_ _ANYTHING,_ I NEEDED TO _INTERCEPT_ IT BEFORE— _WHY_ DID YOU DO THAT TO _MY LAPTOP.”_

“IT’S _MAGIC,_ COULDN’T YOU TELL THAT WAS MAGIC?”

“MAGIC _EXISTS?!”_

Tim had hooked up his computer again and gotten it started, hoping that nothing was too fucked.

_Aw hell._

He stares and plops back onto his couch, “It’s already played, WHO READS THEIR MESSAGES THAT FAST.”

“Superman.”

_“Fuck.”_

Dick’s head was in his hands. “Okay. We need to go explain ourselves. We need to explain this quickly or we will _ever_ never do it and it will escalate into a horrible obsessive open-secret that none of us ever talk about and will _ruin everything.”_

“You say this like you know.”

“I was raised on secrets, Jon. Trust me I _know.”_

“Oh _now_ you’re raised.”

“Shut up. You’ve already known that I know that you’ve known.”

“No you don’t get to go back on that!”

“My house my rules.” Dick’s face crumples as he slumps backwards over the couch, hand over his forehead. “Oh god I just turned into him.”

Tim ignores him. The dramatics was pretty par for the course of their 245 discussions. He fiddles with cell signal and GPS mapping then turns to Dick, “Ok look, if you really want to track him down ASAP, Superman’s at this charity thing. Luckily for you, I already have an invite to it.”

 

* * *

 

 **SBrown** @stephbrown • 1s  
these things all blur together after awhile, nothing new ever happens and the food is always shitty #librarygala #yawn #hatemyfamily

 **duke** @justalark • 1s  
#brucewayne just rolled in based on the latest pics. that oughta shake things up right? @stephbrown

 

 

* * *

 

“Look, I’m really sorry, I can’t even say it was a misunderstanding, but it wasn’t on purpose, the file was corrupted by, like, a virus or something—” Dick’s blurting in a rush, and Clark couldn’t even interrupt.

“Magic,” came a whisper from that kid that had descended on him at the Planet. Apparently his name’s Tim?

_Magic?_

“—yeah I know right?” Dick continues, “Our lives are wild. Just. It’s a thing that’s gonna happen now that you’re in this business.”

“Reporting?”

Dick stares him down, “The _Business,_ that you’re in. _Freelancing._ The same one I worked in, for Bruce. My dad.”

“Yeah you know, that guy you were looking up,” Tim cuts in. “That I told you not to look up.”

 _What?_ Clark had been looking up Batman— Why was Dick trying to talk about him like— “I’m sorry but, have we met?”

 _“Yes.”_ Dick says impatiently, “During my day job and your _freelance work.”_ His eyebrow is committing an impressive feat of gymnastics.

“Dick.”

“Give me a second,” he waves off, keeping his eyes on Clark, “Clark, listen, I’m sorry you had that video shoved in your face, I regret _everything_ and will try to be more on top of weird magical videos in the future, where I’m sure in hindsight this’ll just be a heartwarming—”

“Dick can you just—”

“Hold on, dad, I need to _apologize,_ not that you kn—” Dick freezes. Turns around. “Um, hi. Bruce. Didn’t know you’d be here.”

“You’re looking well.” Bruce Wayne comes off unlike any of the stories portray him to be, either on news or on that… archive. He seems very alert and sober, for one, and tentative. Maybe vaguely stilted.

“Please tell me you didn’t bring the cloner phone,” Dick says.

“You have a cloner phone?” Tim pokes his head in, “What am I saying, of course you have a cloner phone. Whatever you do, _don’t clone his phone.”_

Bruce blinks down at him, “Tim, was it?”

“Hi Mr. Wayne! It’s been ages!” He beams up.

Clark knows that look; it’s a ‘ _you are my hero and idol’_ look. Huh.

Dick, however, looks panicked, “I don’t think it matters Tim, it’s probably sentient.”

“What do you mean it’s sentient.”

“What’s sentient.”

Bruce’s pocket beeps.

Tim’s eyes widen. The boys look at each other. Then Tim runs off, saying something about finding a restroom or something to eat. Dick’s already covering his face.

Clark has a sinking suspicion that—

“Don’t check, oh god, trust me you don’t want to—”

[“...”](https://78.media.tumblr.com/5ea740c1fb59696d95b2e0820edf2ec4/tumblr_inline_p1iar1g1bo1r0aa8d_250.png)

A crater of black shame expands quickly around them, socialites backing away to give them a wide berth, muttering darkly about public indecency.

Moans and wet noises were coming from Bruce’s phone. He flails at the touchscreen, comically, trying to get the video to shut off. Clark finds himself hunching down a little, hot under the collar, eyes wide, unable to stop staring at the trainwreck before him.

Dick grabs two flutes of champagne off a table and starts slamming them back. “That’s what you _get_ for not _trusting me.”_

Bruce looks up briefly, pauses, catching sight of Clark, then slowly looks down at his phone again.

Up.

And then down.

The video, mercifully, finally, stops. But not before Bruce is looking at Clark in a distinctly thoughtful way.

“I’m gonna hunt down Tim before he _drowns himself in the toilet.”_ Dick turns to Clark, “And for the love of god, please run intervention _on his life.”_

“...”

“So.” Clark says once they’re alone, remembering all the conversations he’d had with Dick. “That’s your kid.”

“Yeah.” The mixture of fond, frustrated, flustered, and proud reminds Clark of the expression his parents wore when he was still figuring his powers out and breaking things left and right. He hadn’t thought of them that way in ages, come to think of it, ever since Pa died.

A guy trying, unsuccessfully, to wrangle his precocious son; and taking too much on himself while trying to protect him. How uncomfortably familiar.

“This video was on your phone first.” Bruce gestures with the electronics in his hand, “If I’m understanding it right, Dick accidentally sent it to you.”

Clark shrugs, “Apparently it sent itself.” Today was just too weird. Clark isn’t sure how much Bruce had overheard, but the kids had already figured out his identity. And Bruce obviously seen through his disguise with a comparison available. Also, he was, apparently, the Bat. Who’s been having some stand-up kids defend him. Who’d seemed pretty unhinged but had lightened up recently.

Who just watched a snippet of parody porn between two actors who were playing them.

“You don’t seem too bothered.”

“I’d honestly thought it was a gag or prank from a friend,” Clark’s almost a little disappointed it wasn’t. “And then I realized my phone didn’t recognize the number, so I figured it might’ve been the next evolution of email spam.”

“Most guys would be upset to be sent gay porn.” _Especially if one of the actors was **playing** them, _ Bruce’s gaze adds significantly.

“I guess you haven’t been paying attention.”

“To this video you mean?” Bruce steps a bit closer, voice low, “Or are you talking about the discussion over _that_ video.”

Clark gives noncommittal hum. He could play dumb, but there was really only one video they were talking about, and replies quietly, “Sett Mayers seemed to have broken it down rather succinctly.”

“The news sometimes gives a skewed perspective.”

“I know. I tend to make the news Mr. Wayne.”

“You mean you tend to _report_ the news.”

Clark just looks at him steadily, meaning exactly what he said— then a smile breaks free despite Clark’s best efforts, and he sees it land like a solid punch. To the mouth, with _his_ mouth. Bruce’s eyes flare dark and his mouth opens on a gasp.

"...this _wasn't_ what I mean by an _intervention._ FYI."  

They look over. Tim’s covering his eyes, Dick’s were covering his ears, Cassandra had one hand over her mouth in amusement.

Clark suddenly realizes how close he’s standing to the billionaire.

“I think we’re traumatizing the children.”

“To be honest,” Dick says, “It’s less about what you’re doing than who you are. Or well, _who_ you are. And also, who you _are.”_

Tim nods, “We just put it together like an hour ago.”

 _“You_ did, an hour ago.” Cassandra corrects as she grabs Bruce by the hand. “Not me.”

Clark sees her palm something over to Bruce, when he removes her hand and places it at his elbow. Bruce sticks it in his pocket.

“Clark,” she acknowledges.

“A little easier today?” He asks.

“Yeah easier today,” she agrees that way that indicates she still has trouble with words sometimes and Clark makes a face in sympathy and nods. He remembers what it was like, those first few years, controlling his sight and hearing; the words just roll right of your head.

“You’ve met Cassandra?” Bruce looks at him thoughtfully.

Clark crinkles his forehead at him, and wonders what he did. “Yeah, almost two years now? I see her occasionally when I’m out—” he makes a vague gesture that meant flying. If Bruce was the guardian that Dick spoke of, had he adopted her like he did Dick? Was that why he was sober tonight or was the alcoholism part of his cover? How many kids did he even _have?_ (Clark’s always wanted a big family.)

“Oh my god, you showed him that Buzzfeed article when we first met!” Dick bursts out, snapping his fingers at Cassandra, and then pointed at Clark, “What was all that, then, pretending you didn’t know who Bruce Wayne was?”

Clark, face slowly pinking, can’t truthfully reply in present company. Item Number 17 of _‘17 Reasons Why Gotham City Loves Bruce Wayne and So Should You’_ is a retrospective of various shirtless photoshoots Bruce had done over the years. It’s irrelevant that he’d thoroughly fact-checked the other 16 items as well.

“Which one?” Bruce asks curiously.

Cassandra, of course, plucks her phone from her clutch and shows it to him.

He makes a even more curious face, as he eyes Clark’s reaction.  

Dick suddenly swats down Tim’s upraised arm and the phone which had been pointed at Bruce.

“No! Ok? Just NO. Let’s not make this the Vine Debacle of 2012 again, I already need to scrub my brain, I don’t need more. _You_ don’t need _any_ of this.”

“Vine Debacle?” Tim asks.

“I was just testing out the app. Just... Never post anything with Bruce ok? Resist the urge. It always goes viral.”

“Isn’t that the point?”

Dick stares at him with dead eyes.

 

* * *

    
**Vine** ( /ˈvaɪn/ ) was a short-form video  hosting service where users could share six-second-long looping video clips. The service was founded in June 2012, and American microblogging website Twitter acquired it in October 2012, just before its official launch.

  
  


**Online Usage**

Beginning in the early 2010s, “daddy” became a popular slang expression among teenagers to refer to or describe their male celebrity crushes on social media platforms. The term exploded in 2012 after a Bruce Wayne vine[1] went viral when his ward Richard Grayson attempted to make an unspecified request, involving the word. Wayne’s subsequent expression became immortalized as the definitive Oh No You Didn’t. (see also: Reaction Images)

 

* * *

 

Clark regrets looking it up on his phone, he’s fairly sure his ears are red.

Bruce leans in to whisper into one of them, “It’s less of a hard ‘no’ because of the topic, than because of the people involved.”

He doesn’t know if he can look up and still maintain his composure.

“I’m flexible, is all I’m saying.”

Ok, fuck his composure, because Clark has to _see—_

“On multiple matters. If you’re interested.” Bruce is staring at him, definitely interested in return, the normally thin line of his mouth loosened and _plush_ and inviting and Clark’s going to be in _so much trouble._

 

* * *

 

 **SBrown** @stephbrown • 2s  
HOLY SHIT YOU ARE PSYCHIC @justalark

 **SBrown** @stephbrown • 2s  
HE JUST WENT FOR IT, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY, WAYNE’S KIDS WERE RIGHT THERE

 **SBrown** @stephbrown • 2s  
also when did Wayne adopt two more when did that happen? is this a thing how do i join

 **duke** @justalark • 1s  
wtf? @stephbrown

 

* * *

 (epilogue: sometime, a while later)

* * *

  
 

 

> > > In reply to Nightwing
>>> 
>>> **BarbG** @Barbed • 5hr  
>  Omfg wat is #mansexual  
>>>
>>>> **Nightwing** @nightwing ✔ • 5hr  
>  well I think supes is mansexual #oh #the #humanity
>>> 
>>> Replies 10   Retweets 8555   Likes 9676
>>> 
>>> —
>>> 
>>> **supahbatty**
>>> 
>>> DOES THAT MEAN HES GAY
>>> 
>>> #mansexual 
>>> 
>>> —
>>> 
>>> **speedingmyway**
>>> 
>>> Can you say, like, queer?
>>> 
>>> #do you take criticism #he’s pan #he loves humanity #mansexual
>>> 
>>>  — 
>>> 
>>> **2b-or-not-2b**
>>> 
>>> Can people stop making everything about sex?
>>> 
>>> #he loves HUMANITY #mansexual #it doesn’t mean what you think it means #can you just stop
>>> 
>>> — 
>>> 
>>> **sodarkismyhood**
>>> 
>>> No it clearly means he has threesomes with bat _man_ and aqua _man_
>>> 
>>> #Ishipit
>>> 
>>> —
>>> 
>>> **huntingparty**
>>> 
>>> NO IT MEANS SUPERMAN AND WONDERWO ** _MAN_ ** CONFIRMED
>>> 
>>> #obviously #ship sails itself #mansexual #humanity
>>> 
>>> —
>>> 
>>> **lantern-is-lit**
>>> 
>>> WATCHTOWER VS OLYMPIC VILLAGE: WHO GOES THRU MORE CONDOMS
>>> 
>>> —
>>> 
>>> **cantstopthsignal**
>>> 
>>> ...and this is why batman's like STAY OUT OF GOTHAM jfc people
>>> 
>>> #I hate this hellsite #why do I bother #just leave them alone #Discourse

 

* * *

   


[Video: One long chain of inscrutable motion blurs, shot at night, set to [Careless Whisper](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ). There’s red and blue streaks in the usual black blurs.]

 **BabeG**  
Feb 14, 2016

 

‘Batman. lollllllll’

 

235.3K Likes          5,834 Revines            8.4M Loops

 

* * *

## 1 - 20 of 657 Works in [Batman/Superman](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=6624&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=0&commit=Sort+and+Filter&tag_id=DC+Cinematic+Universe)

▼Additional Tags

  * Fluff (355)
  * Angst (353)
  * Romance (207)
  * Smut (184)
  * Hurt/Comfort (176)
  * Violence (82)
  * Established Relationship (53)



* * *

* * *

(the end)

* * *

(oh wait I forgot about)

* * *

 

**tim_drake ✔**

[Video of a fancy-ass kitchen (inside rebuilt Wayne Manor)

 **Bruce Wayne, visibly starry-eyed** _clark do you want an island?_

 **Clark Kent, in constant (blurry) motion, cooking** _we already have a kitchen island_

 _**Bruce Wayne** _ _no an island island_

_**Clark Kent**       don’t give me an island bruce _

_**Bruce Wayne**   _ :(

_**Bruce Wayne**  what if *I* want an island _

_**Clark Kent**       don’t get us an island bruce _

_**Bruce Wayne**   _ :(

(Clark leaves)

_**Bruce Wayne, thousand yard stare** do you ever want to just… drape someone in diamonds _

_**Clark Kent (** offscreen)   bruce, NO _

_**Bruce Wayne** IT WAS HYPOTHETICAL _

(hysterical laughter from several teenage-sounding peoples from offscreen) ]

 

1,210,111 likes       7,488 comments

That's a filthy lie and you know it. #itsneverhypothetical #brucewayne #isEXTRA #soEXTRA #brucewaynecars #brucewaynehobbies

 

* * *

 

**b-wayne ✔**

[ aesthetic post of a cow, with a ridiculous lensflare filter, a white dog is touching noses with it ]

 

319,863 likes       2,488 comments

Newest member of the family! awwww K-dawg loves her! #cows #dogs #blessed

 

Load more comments **  
**

**clark.kent** omfg i leave the house for ONE WEEK

 **tim_drake** someone's on the couuuuuch

 **d-grayson** wait when did this happen

 **stephbrown** never over 'k-dawg' never never im dying halp

 **d-grayson** shit b, did you miss kansas that much

 **silentobserver** her name's Battlin' Bovine

 **d-grayson** omfg well at least we know who named her

 **duke.t212** and yet this is still 'goals'

 **stephbrown** ikr I can't get over it it's magnificent

 **duke.t212** flawless

 **duke.t212** a work of art

 **curlyjewel85** @duke.t212 slow ur sarcasm homie bruce wayne is a cinnamon roll leave him and his cow alone

 **juliabeiber** @duke.t212 idgi

 **duke.t212** @juliabeiber this instagram

 **adrian.chaffei**    wtf is all this bruce wayne hype people get a clue

 **taylor_8dan**    ok ngl that shits cute

 

* * *

 

 **clark.kent** **✔**

[ a really terrible selfie where he's blurred and half out of the frame, Bruce is in a blanket burrito and hiding from the sun in Clark's shadow ]

 

712,294 likes       3,538 comments

Someone's a sleepyhead. #goodmorning

 

* * *

(the end)

(for reals this time)

(well maybe)

 

**Author's Note:**

>  **Continuity notes:**  
>  Dick is post-Robin, but pre-Nightwing, pre-Bludhaven  
> Red Hood is post-death, but pre-reveal  
> rest of batfam is pre-Bats… for now.
> 
>  
> 
> **[[Jump back up to the top.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13127262)]**
> 
> —
> 
> Cassandra Cain - age 17 [[reference1](http://renaroo.tumblr.com/post/168365366026/hi-did-bruce-ever-come-to-accept-that-cass-did), [reference2](http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Cassandra_Cain_\(New_Earth\))]
> 
> Tim - age 16 [[reference](http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Tim_Drake)]
> 
> How Dick became Nightwing - age 25ish? [[reference1](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/scans_daily/990170.html), [reference2](https://comicnewbies.com/2015/10/03/how-dick-grayson-chose-the-nightwing-alias-new-52/)]
> 
> Barbara - age 27ish [[reference](http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Barbara_Gordon)]
> 
> Jason Todd - age it's weird 'cause of resurrection [[reference](http://quipquipquip.tumblr.com/post/24841229932/pancakedamian-recently-ive-been-randomly)]
> 
> Duke Thomas - age 17 [[reference](https://comicvine.gamespot.com/duke-thomas/4005-100777/)]
> 
> Stephanie Brown - age 17 [[reference](http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Stephanie_Brown_\(New_Earth\))]
> 
> Luke Fox - age 25?? (at least for here) [[reference](http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Batwing_\(Luke_Fox\))]
> 
> BatCow [[reference](http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Bat-Cow_\(Prime_Earth\)), [like really get a load of this](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/5f/d2/c1/5fd2c1e4be2496cc1127def2eff4df27--bat-family-bats.jpg), [their love is so pure](https://i1.wp.com/comic-watch.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/supsoann-1-10-817x3501978141964.jpg?resize=736%2C3154780798636&ssl=1)]
> 
> —
> 
> tweet:  
> [Batman at McDonald's] What's your chicken sandwich called? - A McChicken  
> And the rib? - A McRib  
> [pulls out batwallet] I like your style
> 
> tweet:  
> I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.
> 
> tweet:  
> Commissioner: we'll need to stay in touch  
> Batman: ok  
> Commissioner: the stealth communication device will-  
> Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
> 
> —
> 
> Superman’s speech is based on Brene Brown's discussions on vulnerability and [shame](https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/transcript). (worth a listen!) It’s also based on [this twitter thread](https://mobile.twitter.com/ismashfizzle/status/942741594398175232) on kindness.
> 
> —
> 
> The “Superman loves the whole of humanity” line and subsequent mansexual jokes came up while I was writing [Drunk With The Great Starry Void](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12971100). 
> 
> —
> 
> The Vine Debacle exacerbated the Bruce/Dick tag. The reason why the Ao3 count is so low is because Wayne Enterprises keeps going after media and people who publicly make noise about it with cease and desist papers.
> 
> I have no idea how the Jason Todd reveal of Red Hood will happen in this universe. Feel free to play in this sandbox if you do, hell, if anyone wants to just take this universe and run with it, go right ahead! I’ll link back to you.


End file.
